i don't know HOW to do it

Posted by:
george registered
at 06/30/2005, 18:57:28



hello again

i have a really bad situation in my life.
i thought that I have dissolved jealousy but it seems
that I haven't :(

i have a girlfriend who parted her ex-boyfriend just
as we started our relationship. he obviously felt bad
about that but she didn't love him - though they have
been together for 4 years. she wanted all to happen so
that they remain friends... but how is it possible to
be a friend with someone who you don't love?

she loves me very much, I'am sure of that and I love
her very much too. she tells me everything and we
share everything and I feel she is my divine partner.
but she still meets him from time to time... just for
a talk .. and she doesn't want me to be there, I feel
isolated, my imagination starts playing tricks with me
and... when I tell her that she blames me that I don't
trust her.

i always explain that I know she loves me and she
wants to be my lover only and that I really don't
doubt but feel really terrible when she tells me that
it is pleasant for her to see him from time to time
and that she doesn't want me to be there because he
could feel bad about that... and I feel that she cares
more about what he feels than what I feel... and when
i tell her that - she tells me that I care only for my
feelings and she cannot talk to me as long as I don't
trust her.

some time ago she said she wants him out of her life,
she even promised me that she is going to tell him to
get away and not even call her any more. but... she
didn't do it... she said she doesn't feel "need" to
see him but from time to time "why not"... I ask "why
yes? is there anything so important to share with him
that you cannot share with me" ... she is still
interested what is going on with him... how he
feels... though she loves me and wants me to be her
life partner.

i feel non-stability when she says one thing and after
that does another thing and says "at that time i
wanted him to disappear, but now I don't want" I feel
bad because in the same manner she can tell me
tomorrow "i don't love you any more, I love him"
though she says it's an absurd and she never wants to
be with him again.

some time ago again - she promised me that when she
sees him we are going to be together, 3 of us... but
now she doesn't want because "he could feel bad" and
because "he has nothing to tell you"

so... in short what I see from my viewpoint is:
my girlfriend meets her ex-boyfriend from time to
time, though she said before she wants him totally out
of her life, sight, phone etc... and all this is
PLEASANT for her (she says so) and she wants this
meetings to be WITHOUT my presence because she cares
more what he feels than what I feel (that's what i
think)
she feels really bad feeling that I feel bad and
starts telling me that I'am limiting her and that i
want to be with her when she meets him because I don't
trust her... but I just want to feel it myself... to
sense that there is nothing wrong with that and that i
have nothing to be afraid of...

i prayed to God many times... to dissolve those bad
feelings inside me... but it seems they are still here

i don't know what to do
i know what is written here in this site
i know that true love means loving and accepting all
and any situation
does it mean that even if she has sex with him "by
mistake" I should love that? - obviously yes, from
what is written here...
but also - it is written that to enjoy loving
relationship one should be free - from any previous
partner etc...

i want him out of her life, away from her, never
calling her again... from the other side - perhaps the
same could happen inside me with any other person she
sees without my presence and alone with him... I know
that the problem is inside me - the decision too, but
i don't know what it is.

I'am afraid that when I behave this way... even crying
in her arms when I feel bad - she will start to ask
herself "is that what I really want? a crying baby
instead of a man who can love me without doubting? is
this the love that I want - a policeman who doesn't
trust me? maybe it's better not to share with him
everything as I do now?" and than she might return to
her old guy or find a new one... even though I know
no one can love her stronger and deeper than me... i
love her so much and I'am ready to do everything for
her - I really did a lot with my ego and accepted a
lot of things that i'd never do and never did for any
other girl. I feel her inside me, I feel she is the
one...

i know - my lesson is to learn to accept because love
is acceptance of anything and all
her lesson is to learn to be strong and to stand her
words and thoughts firmly because else she hurts me

i told her that I really want to be friend with that
guy, not to hate him, to be able to talk with him
freely. she said he wouldn't want and he would feel
bad if I want to talk to him... some time ago she said
there was no problem about meeting 3 of us together
because he doesn't feel bad any more (he had told her
that)... but yesterday he had called her and she had
invited him at her HOME! to talk and he had told her
that she has parted with his new girlfriend and he
wants to go somewhere far but doesn't want to be
alone...

what can I do :(
i'm absolutely sure she loves me, and I know she is
worried that she loves me but maybe cannot show it the
right way... she had told me "i will do anything you
want because I love you" and now she seems she cannot
do the only important thing that bothers our
relationship since it's beginning - her ex... and just
because she THINKS there is NO NEED to cause him more
pain. I always say against this "then the pain is for
me only" and then she makes a blackmailer out of me
and ... you know... women always have the right
clues.. and I tell her that "you can say anything and
be right in your words and thoughts, but my feelings
are much stronger than anything you say"

please... there is zero need to tell me again what is
written - I know that you wrote that jealousy means
very little or zero love.

but is this really just jealousy? I feel unsure
because I see her changing her mind very often...

i should love her more obviously - this is the only
thing I can do
but what does it mean
HOW to love her more?
HOW to find out WHAT ELSE she needs when she says she
only wants me to love her truly and deeply
HOW to love her truly and deeply when I fail finding
what is that she finds in those private "why not"
talks with him - if I know it - I would give it to her
10000 times more - i'm ready to do anything for her,
even accepting these talks - but I don't know HOW to
do it

HOW to accept that it is pleasant for her to see her
ex WITHOUT me being with her?

it's killing me... I have zero wish this bad feeling
to destroy our relationship because it's truly loving
and I know that this could be fixed but I don't know
HOW :(((

please... help me
i'm lost in ego

:(
thank you in advance

p.s. about venearic disease - today i'm going on a lab
test, creme didn't help

-----------------

contituation:

hi again

situation is developing

one of the problems obviously is:
he still loves her and she senses that, but she doesn't want to hurt him "more", no matter that she loves me only.
she thinks that making a "friend" after a relationship is possible
but he is not honest with her, he wants to be with her again though he tells her that he doesn't... I think he will be never happy with any girl as long as she is behaving "friendly" and "good" with him
as long as he suffers and as long as his illusion about her lives inside him - he will never be happy with ANY girl

i explained that to her... she seems not wanting to listen... because (as I feel) it's easier for her NOT TO cut him totally...

years ago I had same situation.. the girl was "good" with me but never loved me, it lasted almost 3 years... it really casued me a lot of pain

i shared that experience with my present partner. she says "but you are not him"... well.. it's true but situation is similar

how to make her realize that being a friend with ex-partner is only possible after totally cutting any connections, suffering, pain...
she doesn't want me to be there when they meet just because she would feel bad feeling that he feels bad because he still doesn't accept her not being with him but with me - and at the same time she is weak not to end this "chinese" torture...

how to make her open her eyes and become strong to see that the only cure for tumour is KNIFE. how to make her see that "friends" is possible after being 100% honest and strong and feeling free?

i understand her troubles very well... and I see how weak both of them are... and I see why these 4 years that they have spent together lacked true love, only artificial engagement, only "by habit"
yes, it's easier NOT TO, it's easier to be lazy and say "i don't think that it is not possible to be friends" and "i don't think it's needed to hurt him any more" but how to make her realize that she is hurting him again and plus that - me too... and hence herself...

i help my girlfriend with all my power, I love her, i'm tender with her, I really make her feel good.. this is the only problematic situation

i feel really better since my last posting because I see the depth of the things now... but this doesn't really cure the problem inside

i don't know what to do in that situation and what I can do at all...
i know she loves me but I know she is weak and still not 100% free...


please
waiting for your reply

-----

still here....

well... I think now I understand better what my problem is

it's not exactly jealousy
it's fear
fear of staying up on a swaying base...
but how is it possible to be based on God and love without devotion to your beloved one?

i really don't know what to do...

still waiting for reply...


----

as I said - things are developing every few minutes and hours

she just got an excellent mark on an exam that she was afraid to go to
i had told her before that that she would be amazed how good she is at the subject

well - I was right, and she is very happy
even she was more happy because she called her father and told him about her success and he had told her that he is very happy and loves her very much

i said that I know what is happening to her - she is awaking and getting in touch with her Self

this was a good time for trying to talk toher and I told her that what she really IS is perfect and untouchable, just surrounded with thousands of layers that make it really hard to reach herself, and that the exact moments of this loving happines are a touch to the Self and that my aim is exactly that - to have NOT moments - but eternal touch together. and I explained that when I tell her that it is needed to do something, it is NOT because I want it for myself - but because I know it will be healing...

she thought a bit and said... "you are right :)"

that's all for now... I will try not to talk to her about that anymore and just hope that there will be practical action from her side... not just "you are right" and still be lazy and weak...

i know how much I prayed to God for her success and happiness... and how much I want to love her more and more...

i'm waiting for your answer, I know you are very busy with hundreds like me

but

things are really very fast now... and I want to make the correct steps with all the Love possible... so please answer..


-----

p.s. sorry for the mess of messages, I really didn't know the right way to post it, I thought private messages are posted too... it's not a trick, I swear

Replies To This Message:

God Love True love includes full loyalty and clarity free of secret meetings or exclusion of partnerlink hans 1 Thu, Jun 30, 2005, 20:38:39
great! george 1 Thu, Jun 30, 2005, 21:41:23
God Love God made us to be perfect as much as every father and mother make babies to be human children and later human adultslink hans 1 Fri, Jul 01, 2005, 14:11:54
you are clever! george 0 Fri, Jul 01, 2005, 16:20

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