The pain of separation

Posted by: God Love
Corey registered
at 03/27/2006, 06:39:09



Last Monday, Kim and I went to turn in our divorce papers and pay fees, and finish separating our finances. From the beginning of the meeting, I had tears in my eyes, which lasted throughout, and sometimes full-fledged crying also, missing her intensely and telling her so. Throughout the meeting I felt very attracted to her, noticing how pretty she looked, and noticing the sweetness and love and gentleness in her actions and words. I noticed how both preferred to stay within the aura of the other. I appreciated the sound of her voice, like love from God coming into my head. (I often used to become very uncomfortable at the sound of her voice). I loved it when she touched me. I also noticed that sometimes the same kinds of interactions on an emotional level were occurring as before, like her as mother me as son, her as strong me as needy, or one asking the other for help in matters of decisions of the moment. At one point, driving back to her place, she gave me back a piece of obsidian rock I had given her a long time ago. She had kept the rock for more than a year in her pocket, often feeling it with her fingers. I was touched by the sweetness and love in this gesture. She said it was too painful a memory for her and she had to give it back, just as I had returned a beautiful hand-made rug she had made and given me. In my anguish, I immediately threw the rock out the window of the car. I thought it hurt her, and my suffering intensified. Soon, we were back at her place, and I left her in her new situation, realizing I might actually never see her again for an entire incarnation or more. I left crying the most painful bitter tears I ever remember crying. I got home weak and all I felt I could do was sleep the forgetful sleep of ignorance. Many tears throughout the week, Kriya pranayama and work always reminding me of the pain and transforming it. And so many many memories have come up of the times I hurt her- the cold words spoken in anger, the indifference and 'looking away' that all came from the iceberg over my heart, throat and face. Each memory sparks an intense pain in me, and the desire to never hurt someone that way again, to never kick a flower again. Sometimes I feel that all I have left now is a promise of Love from God: surrender to the scriptures and the advice of gurudeva and to kriya pranayama will always lead to the end of tears, and ultimately to finally dissolving all and going home.
Love,
Corey

Replies To This Message:

God Love Crying as an ego-boy's and ego-man's most successful trick to attract a woman's pity and hence to attract love and finally to end up in her panty<link hans 0 Wed, Mar 29, 2006, 16:34

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